I want to go sit under That tree in mommy’s garden. The air is always cool under That tree I’m Here Instead, In This Hole Feeling my whole disappear
Lisez l’histoire de Annalissa Pasap
Edmonton, AB
Whitebear First Nations, SK
Âge 17
I first heard about a residential school survivor’s experience and his story about a punishment place called “The Hole”. He said sometimes children would be in there days at a time, and some of those children never made it out of there alive. I wanted to write this story in the perspective of a little girl. I wanted this story to have a sort of innocence to it. I tried to bring out the emotion in a visual and poetic way, at the same time wanting to try something different.
My inspiration in my style of writing is the author Ellen Hopkins. Her style of writing has really inspired me. My other inspirations were the music that i was listening to while i was writing. Music is a big part of what i write. The emotions and the style of music really contribute to my finished piece of work.
When I wrote this story I wanted the readers to get inside of the childs head, and feel the moment. I want them to see it as a film. From fade in to black out. Vision is very important to me, so i tried to give this story a visual effect.
Other things that have inspired me was my mothers experience in residential school. It has greatly affected my family. I grew up not knowing my language, but I practiced my culture. I grew up on the pow-wow trail. My favourite memories of those days were laying in my tent at night and hearing laughter and kids running around and the smell of smoke from the camp fires. Those memories contributed to this story, as well. I wanted to write about my experiences and memories.
In this story the child dies. Death was a frequent occurrence in the residential schools, and there were some cases where the parents didn’t know about their childrens death. This is an issue i wanted to bring up. There was a lot of pain and of abuse that happened in those schools. A lot of those children never made it out.
I hope whoever is reading my story enjoys what I have written. My culture and history is really important to me, and I owe it to my ancestors for my strength and my knowledge. Residential Schools have greatly affected my people and our culture. One day I want to be writing and speaking in my own language and I hope that my children will know there history and language, as well, because we are no longer indigenous people if we no longer have our culture and language.
Mama I’m Here
In this tunnel-like room
It’s really dark
I don’t like it here.
I want to leave this place.
There mean to me.
Summer Is Here
I want to go sit under
That tree in mommy’s garden.
The air is always cool under
That tree
I’m Here Instead, In This Hole
Feeling my whole disappear
Emma was in this room.
I tried looking for her.
She should have been here.
I saw her go in.
Two Days Ago They Put Me Here.
I wasn’t doing anything bad
I promise
I was trying to be good like you told me to.
But they hit me
They hit me hard
I didn’t feel it at first, but now I do.
It’s Like a Hole, But it Feels Bigger.
It won’t stop running.
I tried everything.
It won’t stop.
And I can feel myself going numb.
When I Sleep, I Dream.
I dream about how life was
When we were together
Of the stories, and the smell of smoke from the fire.
The jokes and the laughter of the old people.
That’s my heaven
My best memories
It’s been a long time now.
I left, it was my fault.
I let them take me.
There is Something About This Place.
There is something about this feeling that keeps pulling at me.
It’s like everything is getting darker.
But I can still see everything around me.
The running won’t stop.
I want it to stop.
I want it all to stop.
We Are All in Our Own Private Traps.
We all have our own traps.
We deliberately step in our own traps.
This is mine.
My trap is like everyone else’s here.
It is a hell.
Our own private hell
I Can’t Ever Tell You About it.
I feel as if I don’t have enough time to make it back to you.
I can feel it coming.
Maybe when I get there, I’ll be able to see you.
See you go on with your day
And just watch you in silence.
You won’t see me, of course.
I’m Afraid.
You said you were supposed to go before me.
Isn’t that’s how it’s done.
You said we would never lose each other.
You said we would have a long time together.
I Was Waiting For The Day When I Would Become Just Like You
And like my aunties and like big sister
The day they would dance for me.
The day they said I would grow up.
It Feels Like I Can Sleep Now. I Don’t Feel Scared Anymore Mommy. It’s Going To Be Okay.
You don’t have to worry about me anymore. You just need to worry about little Andrew.
He is still such a darling, mama. You would be proud. You would be really proud.
He looks so much like papa. He is going to be a handsome man. I wish I can be
There for him. He needs me to be there. But I’m not needed here anymore.
Mommy, there taking me. Grandpa is taking me with him. He told me
Not to worry. He told me I would be safe now. He said I could visit
You whenever I want now. But I cannot talk to you. He said
Those were the rules. If I talk to you I might scare you.
I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want you to be
Sad for me. I’m sad. I’m also happy. Mommy,
I got out! I’m safe, and I hope Andrew
Makes it out. I want you to see him.
I feel safe and warm. Nothing hurts
here. I feel at peace. I know we
will be Together again. I will
miss you and daddy when
I’m gone. I’m waiting
For you here. I will
Love you forever
And ever. I
Promise.
Okay?